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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/27460012">The Unforeseen Complications of Avoiding Paperwork</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/Lemoncholic/pseuds/Lemoncholic'>Lemoncholic</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Good Omens (TV), Good Omens - Neil Gaiman &amp; Terry Pratchett</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Enemies to Lovers, Gabriel is a himbo, He/Him Pronouns For Gabriel (Good Omens), Humor, Kidnapping, Nonbinary Beelzebub (Good Omens), Other, They/Them Pronouns for Beelzebub (Good Omens), Use of a Taser, a slight scuffle, mention of rape but only in passing in a conversation</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>In-Progress</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-11-09</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-12-08</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-06 17:33:42</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Mature</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>3</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>5,619</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/27460012</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/Lemoncholic/pseuds/Lemoncholic</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>After the Armageddon gets postponed due to the Antichrist's unwillingness to cooperate, and a certain troublesome angel-and-demon couple walks away scot-free, the Heaven and Hell are in bureaucratic chaos. Archangel Gabriel (a.k.a. pigeon-brained pain-in-the-arse) decides to do some hands-on research among humans to make sure the next Antichrist won't be too much like them. To his big surprise, he runs into Beelzebub, the Lord of the Flies and Prince of Hell (a.k.a. foul and unholy scourge), who is experiencing some mighty big problems themself.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Beelzebub &amp; Gabriel (Good Omens), Beelzebub/Gabriel (Good Omens)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>5</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>23</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>1. The One Where Gabriel Is Absolutely Not Avoiding The Chaos and Paperwork In Heaven</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>I'm having fun writing this so I hope you guys get some amusement from reading this as well. I will add more tags as I go and they become relevant. Kudos and comments are always appreciated.</p>
<p>I dedicate this to all procrastinators, since most of us don't have Sandalphon to take care of the things we put off.</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Archangel Gabriel stepped into the bar and looked around, his nose wrinkling slightly in disgust. The establishment was simply unpleasant, and it was not a place he felt comfortable in. The floor was grimy with dirt brought in by the shoes of the few patrons sitting near the stage where a woman in uncomfortable-looking plastic heels and small squares of fabric covering what God had given her (with a couple of silicone additions to boost) was moving enthusiastically around a pole. Gabriel glanced around quickly before moving quietly to a corner table past a man who had clearly had enough for one night. He made sure to avoid stepping on the suspicious dark stains on the floor. The table felt sticky to the touch and the lamp above him was covered in dust. It probably hadn’t been wiped clean since it had been installed, by the look of it, sometime during the 1980’s. In his perfectly fitted dove-grey suit and Italian leather shoes he stood out in the murky bar like a peacock among sparrows. He glanced at his watch and pursed his lips. They were late, even when they had been the one to ask to meet him there. (He preferred “asked” instead of “commanded with subtle undertones of promises of violence if refused”.)</p>
<p> </p><hr/>
<p> </p>
<p>It had all started with the whole disastrous business with the disobedient Antichrist, that snake of a demon, and Aziraphale. It was strictly forbidden to mention the name of the now-retired principality in Heaven these days. Even more forbidden was to even think about the failed execution of those, those… There really wasn’t a proper name for them, was there? A demon immune to Holy Water and an angel cozily basking in Hellfire with that nightmarish grin on his face. Two creatures who had managed to defy both Heaven and Hell without consequences.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>The paperwork had been an absolute nightmare. In fact, it still was. Gabriel was fairly certain there was enough paperwork for the next 3000 years, and it wasn’t even the worst part. The worst part was trying to rein in the rumors, the panic and the uncertainty. The Heavenly administration had their hands full, as the case surely was with their Unholy counterpart down in Hell. It had been firmly agreed upon that the traitorous angel and his demon <em>lover</em> (a term that had been spat out a few times with absolute distaste) were to be left alone and not approached under any circumstances.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Gabriel wasn’t imaginative. Angels in general weren’t gifted with imagination. He also preferred to think things through carefully. He knew that once the next Antichrist was born – and he would be, eventually – there would be no room for the same mistakes. He had conceded that the whole mess had indeed been part of the God’s Ineffable Plan, after all, nothing happened without Her hand in it, but it didn’t make it any less unpleasant. Having talked firsthand to the Antichrist who had most stubbornly refused to bring about the end of the world and then renounced his Infernal father to the great distress of everyone, Gabriel had become aware of the unfortunate human qualities in said boy. He could only assume it had to do with his upbringing among those pesky humans. Now, Gabriel was of course an angel and it was his duty to love God’s creations, but angelic love was at its core very different from human love as it lacked human emotion and expectations. It simply was. It was another difference between Aziraphale and other angels. Gabriel regarded humans with benevolent, mostly uninterested amusement. He was the messenger of God and he mostly interacted with humans when there was a divine message to deliver. He hadn’t bothered to spend much time on Earth getting to know their little habits and conventions, even if he did enjoy the clothes and physical exercise.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Still, the more he thought about it, the more certain he became that human upbringing was the cause of the Antichrist’s troublesome behavior, and finally he decided that to avoid future problems it would be best to acquaint oneself with human habits and how their minds worked. Precaution and careful planning were Godly, after all, and they had nothing to do with him being now able to escape the giant piles of paperwork surrounding his desk and leave Sandalphon handle them.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>After a discussion with the other Archangels, there had been a unanimous decision that the safest way to stay away from the potentially dangerous ex-principality and his demon was to choose a different continent for observation of humans. Gabriel found he quite liked the United States. The flare of drama and the odd fixation to make everything as big as possible fascinated him. Mind you, he still had plenty to learn and he hadn’t quite grasped the monetary value of things, but he felt he was getting along nicely. He had a large apartment at the top floor of a skyscraper, and he spent his days observing humans. Of course, a big city was an attractive place for Hellish forces too with all the people and easy temptations, but that hardly worried him. That was, until he one day on his morning jog ran straight into a demonic force so strong that he very nearly rose in the air as blinding white light, several sets of wings and unnerving number of violet-colored eyes. He was glad that he managed to contain himself, even if a few sparks of electricity crackled between his fingers. The Lord of the Flies, the Prince of Hell, their most Unholy Lowliness Beelzebub sat on top of a low fence that had a very clear <strong>DO NOT SIT HERE</strong> sign right next to them. They were smoking a thick cigar and wearing a questionable baseball cap that had W.A.P. written on it with large red rhinestones. In their hand they had a mobile phone. The flies around them buzzed irritably. Gabriel dove behind a bush by instinct. He wasn’t afraid of them – of course not – but he knew it was best that they didn’t know he was there. That way he would have the upper hand.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>He peered cautiously through the leaves and saw them looking up from their phone. They dropped the rest of their cigar on the ground where it continued to smoke, shoved the phone into their pocket and made sure nobody was watching them. Then they disappeared, leaving behind a lingering smell of Sulphur.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Gabriel waited for a moment longer before letting out a sigh of relief and standing up. An elderly lady walking a very small creature Gabriel suspected was a dog despite being the size of his shoe, stood back and looked alarmed. The dog yipped ferociously. In hindsight, he probably should have made sure there were no little old ladies walking right by as he emerged from the shrubbery. She was quick to pull a small spray bottle from her purse and raise it in front of her. “Keep it in your pants, pervert, unless you want to get pepper sprayed!”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Gabriel looked down in confusion. Keep what in his pants? “Ah, excuse me for startling you, ma’am. I was avoiding the forces of evil.” He gave her an assuring smile.</p>
<p>She watched him with a suspicious look in her eyes. “…You stay right there until I’m gone, or I will scream.”</p>
<p>Gabriel felt a bit uncertain as to why she wanted him to stay standing in the bushes, but he had learned that humans were quite nervous and volatile creatures so it would be best to humor her. “Alright. Have a pleasant day,” He added politely as the woman began to walk away, making sure he kept in place.</p>
<p>“All kinds of loonies in broad daylight… Come on, Alaric.” Gabriel waited patiently for her and the dog called Alaric to be out of sight before he stepped out of the bushes.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>His thoughts returned to Beelzebub and his brow furrowed. It was bad news. Why would the second in command of the Enemy be right here at the same time as he was? It couldn’t be a coincidence. If one thing was for certain, it was that Beelzebub did not like having to leave their gloomy and overcrowded dominion to run errands among mortals. They disliked humans almost as much as they disliked any time spent speaking to Gabriel himself. Not that it happened often. They had a silent understanding between them that spending as little time in each other’s company as possible was the healthiest course of action. There would be a time and a place for them to fight when the end came. Gabriel would be the one to finish them off once and for all, but unfortunately their meeting had been postponed for now. Now his problem was Beelzebub’s presence in the city he was residing in. The reason for it had to be evil, and obviously serious. He made a firm decision to follow their moves and thwart their wiles.</p>
<p> </p><hr/>
<p> </p>
<p>He had been following the Prince of Hell for about a week now. It seemed that they were collecting souls. The fact that the souls belonged to perfectly unimportant and boring humans perplexed him, but he dutifully put goodness into the minds of the people they tempted. There had to be some big, evil scheme behind it all.</p>
<p>And then, quite suddenly that morning he received a message. To be specific, it was delivered by somebody setting the giant billboard aflame at the junction to the highway on the Eastern side of the city. Gabriel saw it in the news that showed footage of several firetrucks parked nearby as desperate firefighters attempted to put it out to no avail. The hellish flames burned brightly, forming words in a language that humans had forgotten long ago. <strong>‘ARCHANGEL: 11 P.M. AT CHAD’S SALOON. BE THERE. -LORD BEELZEBUB’</strong> it read.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>And that was the reason why he was now sitting in this cruddy old bar that had a flashing neon sign outside advertising for <strong>GIRLS! GIRLS! GIRLS!</strong> Although to be honest, several of the letters had gone dark ages ago, leaving people in their own devices figuring out what it was they were offering. He had briefly considered the option of not showing up, but it seemed unwise. It was apparent they were aware of his presence in the city, so he might as well try to find out in person what they were doing.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Gabriel turned the cocktail glass on the table before him, watching and waiting. The liquid inside the glass was bright blue, and there was a little paper umbrella in it. (He would have to find out later what its purpose was. It didn’t seem likely that it was for keeping the drink safe from rain.) He had ordered it after reading it was expected when entering an establishment such as this. Gabriel had seen pictures of cocktails in a magazine, and this one had stuck to his memory because of the name.</p>
<p>The bartender had looked at him blankly when he had ordered a Blue Angel. The usual orders he got were along the lines of <em>‘whatever is the cheapest way to get completely pissed fast, and keep it coming, will ya’</em>. The last time he had mixed a cocktail for anyone, he had been nearly 20 years younger and a whole lot less jaded. He also knew that there was no reason for him to suddenly remember exactly what they used to make Blue Angels. It made sense even less that he found an unopened bottle of blue Curaçao on a shelf that was always kept empty save for a rude plastic figurine of a monkey looking under a girl’s skirt. The bartender had looked at the brightly smiling gentleman and suddenly decided that questions usually led to trouble, and he would be wise to keep them to himself. Instead, he had mixed the drink and finished it with a cocktail umbrella that had also mysteriously appeared under the bar.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Gabriel’s eyes turned to the door when the atmosphere changed and became heavy with malice. Beelzebub’s small darkly clad figure appeared to the doorway and they headed for his table without hurry. Gabriel stood up stiffly. “You are late,” He said pointedly, his words hopefully reflecting his disapproval to a proper degree.</p>
<p>“You’re still here, so clearly you weren’t in a hurry.” They said flatly. “What is <em>that</em>?” They eyed his drink suspiciously.</p>
<p>“It’s a drink. You are supposed to order something, so I did.”</p>
<p>“…Are you going to drink it?” They sat down opposite to him, staring at his glass as if the blue color of the liquid offended them. The baseball cap was gone this time, Gabriel noticed.</p>
<p>He shrugged. “It’s just for appearances. I like the color.” He paused. “Why did you want to meet me?”</p>
<p>“I wanted to tell you to piss off and stop following me. You are starting to annoy me.” Their icy grey eyes were piercing as they stared at him.</p>
<p>Gabriel feigned saintly innocence. “I assure you I have no idea what you are referring to.”</p>
<p>“Bullshit. You have been following me around like an oversized poodle ever since you saw me in that park.”</p>
<p>Gabriel looked a little bit embarrassed. “…You knew I was there all along?”</p>
<p>They gave a soft snort and leaned back in their chair. “Are you really so stupid that you thought I wouldn’t? I can <em>smell</em> you a mile away.” They pulled a pack of cigarettes from their pocket, took one and lit it. They didn’t bother to offer him one.</p>
<p>“Oh.”</p>
<p>Beelzebub blew out a cloud of smoke and stared at him. Their stare was the kind that could make anyone feel instantly uncomfortable.</p>
<p>“So, why…” Gabriel cleared his throat. “Why are you here again?”</p>
<p>They cocked their eyebrow. “As if that’s any business of yours, errand boy.”</p>
<p>Gabriel bristled. “I am the Archangel Gabriel who stands in the presence of God. That is far from an errand boy, and I’d like to point out that your presence on Earth at any point is highly suspicious. You are collecting souls, ones that are incredibly unremarkable and I sure would like to know why. Why is the left hand of the Evil One doing something that any low-ranking demon could do?”</p>
<p>Their cheek ticked and the cloud of flies around them grew thicker and darker for a brief moment. “Consider this a warning, upstairs cuck*.” They leaned forward. “I’m not in the habit of repeating myself. Either you take the hint, or I will roast your heavenly heinie and turn you into angel s’mores faster than you can name a few of your favorite things.” They looked up and motioned behind him.</p>
<p>Gabriel turned reflexively and nearly bumped his face into sweaty human cleavage.</p>
<p>“Well hello there, darlings.” The blonde who had previously been dancing on the stage stood right behind him, giving him the closest view to a female human’s chest anatomy he had ever had. “Would you like a private show?”</p>
<p>“Not me.” Beelzebub said and stood up. “I’m leaving. But this guy is desperate as hell for a lap dance.” A stack of bills materialized on their hand and the eyes of the dancer lit up as they unceremoniously slipped the whole bunch under the thin string that held up the fabric square covering her lower bits. “My treat. He’s a little shy. Go wild.”</p>
<p>Gabriel blinked in confusion as Beelzebub turned on their heels and headed to the door. “What– “ He began, before the dancer’s arms wrapped around his shoulders and he felt those chest bits pressing up against his back.</p>
<p>“You have a generous friend, handsome.” She purred into his ear.” Let me show you the backroom and I’ll give you the full experience.”</p>
<p>
  <em>Oh boy.</em>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p> </p>
<p> </p>
<p>*Gabriel didn’t know what cuck meant. He took a mental note to find out later.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0002"><h2>2. The One Where a Fight Gets Interrupted</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>Beelzebub is starting to really lose their patience with Gabriel following them around.</p>
          </blockquote><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Yeehaw, another chapter. This one finally has some very mild undertones of Feelings. Beelzebub insists that you pay no attention to them, or else.</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Beelzebub’s usual state of mind was somewhat grouchy. Any demon with half a brain cell made sure to stay on their good side since irritating them was as great an idea as sticking one’s arm into a woodchipper. Unfortunately, that common sense didn’t seem to apply to Archangels. The small satisfaction, Beelzebub had gotten from leaving the big oaf to deal with that stripper, had vanished quickly when far too many of their efforts to collect human souls still kept on failing. Gabriel was everywhere now, and the two of them kept on cancelling each other out. They were like two animals fighting over the dominance of a territory, both leaving behind aggressive scent marks for the other one to find. Gabriel’s overwhelming presence in the city was downright maddening, but Hell would have to freeze over before they moved to another city. They had been there first, and if getting rid of Gabriel meant having their own final battle in advance, they were ready for it. Beelzebub still knew when they were being followed, even when the faint ethereal smell that resembled rain in the mountains and jasmine flowers was now everywhere in the city. They had warned the angel, and it was a far more gracious gesture than most got from them. If he was so stupid that he wouldn’t listen, that was on him entirely.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Beelzebub stomped down the street, dropping little sins into the minds of every human they came across. Breadcrumbs for the pigeon-brain. It was late at night but cities like this never really slept. Neon signs lit up the streets that were full of people: party-goers, people getting home from work and those who worked at night, loitering teenagers, pickpockets, homeless people, people of all ages and ethnicities, all going about their business. And no matter where the Lord of the Flies went, people gave way to them without even really seeing them. From the wide, brightly lit streets they turned to smaller streets that eventually turned to dark alleyways. And everywhere the angel followed. It was almost too easy.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>They walked past a night club and turned around the corner to the left, lurking past a building waiting to be demolished soon. Now all they needed was the perfect alleyway for hiding and waiting. It was easy to find in that part of the city. There was no one around and the alley was a dead-end that curved slightly in a way that made it impossible to make out immediately if there was someone waiting at the other end. Beelzebub moved swiftly behind a couple of battered garbage cans, blending easily into the shadows. Their flies had gone silent. They waited and listened, sensing the Archangel getting closer and closer. Their eyes closed as they breathed in his scent, body tense as a taut wire.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>They didn’t know why they had always been able to sense Gabriel so strongly and they didn’t bother to think about it. In fact, they preferred to avoid the idea altogether and that’s what they did with great determination. But even then, that strange ability remained. Beelzebub couldn’t sense any of the other angels the same way. The connection was like spider silk that tethered them to the Archangel at all times. And in this situation, it was extremely useful. They didn’t have to see him to know he was there, standing hesitantly for a moment before stepping into the shadows of the narrow alley. Beelzebub listened to his light steps as he headed closer to them. He was there, right next to where they had been waiting, now a step past them. Without wasting any more time, they launched at him. They were inhumanly quick and powerful, reflexes so fast they were almost impossible to catch by surprise. And yet somehow, by some confounding miracle, the Archangel did just that. Beelzebub realized too late that they had made a mistake. Unable to avoid it now, they fell straight into his clutches, body crashing into his. His fists clamped around their wrists like steel shackles, burning their skin with grace that made his eyes blaze with blinding, violet light. They gave an angry hiss of pain as the impact made them fall heavily down on the dirty, littered pavement. They fought back furiously, cussing and barking names at the angel who pinned them down like their power was nothing at all. No, not nothing. There were beads of sweat forming on his temple. For a moment both of their forms were far from human, revealing the real angel and demon behind the facade. Then the moment passed, Gabriel’s eyes returning to their normal shade, the divine electricity contained again. He did not, however, release them. Beelzebub was still full of rage, their flies buzzing aggressively. “<em>Release me at once, you bastard!</em>”</p>
<p>Gabriel glared at them. “<em>You</em> are the one who attacked <em>me</em>. Stop struggling!”</p>
<p>Beelzebub spat on his face and for a moment they were certain he was going to punch them. Then he huffed, wrinkling his nose as the spit disappeared from his face.</p>
<p>“There is no need to be rude, demon. I think we’ve played this game of cat and mouse long enough. I want some answers before I’ll even consider letting go of you.”</p>
<p>If looks could kill, Gabriel’s head would have exploded right then and there. “Go to Heaven! You’re not getting anything out of me!”</p>
<p>Gabriel shook his head and shifted just a little bit to keep Beelzebub from kicking him. “You brought this on yourself. I asked you nicely, remember? Now it’s your turn to be nice, Bee.”</p>
<p>“How fucking <em>dare you</em> call me that! I’m going to kill you! I’m going to-“</p>
<p>“Shut up. Now, either you give me what I want willingly, or I’m going to take it and-“ That was as far as he got before the odd crackling sound. His eyes widened just a fraction before his face contorted in pain. Beelzebub stared up at him in utter confusion as he groaned and let go of their wrists. They could feel his muscles contracting and shaking violently for what seemed like a very long moment, and their initial response was, strangely, concern. Then the moment passed, and the angel slumped on top of them, heavy and limp. Was he… dead?</p>
<p>“Gabriel?” They asked cautiously, before pushing him off them. It was only when they scrambled back to their feet that they noticed the human. She was breathing heavily, eyes wide, still holding the gun in position. No, not a gun. It looked different with two long wires attached to it and leading up to Gabriel’s neck. The metal probes were hooked to the back of his neck. Fascinating. Beelzebub prodded him with his shoe. Not dead, just unconscious. “What the hell did you do?”</p>
<p>It was as if their voice broke some trance the girl had been in, and she finally lowered the weapon. “Shot him with my Taser.” Her voice trembled and she swallowed. “I saw him on top of you and…” She trailed off, looking still shaken.</p>
<p>Beelzebub wanted to laugh. “A Taser? I’ve never seen one before.”</p>
<p>“Oh, uh… It’s police grade. Not exactly legal for civilians. But y’know, working in these parts…” She looked at Gabriel still on the ground. “You wanna call the cops to report him? ‘Cause if you do, I ain’t stickin’ around.”</p>
<p>Beelzebub grinned. They seemed to have too many teeth. They pulled the probes from his neck. “No need to worry about that. Thank you for your assistance. I won’t forget this.” Something about their words and that grin made the girl feel very uncomfortable and she took a step back.</p>
<p>“…Oh, okay. Well, um, I think I’m gonna…” She gestured vaguely, backing away. “Take care…” Beelzebub knew that as soon as she was out of sight, she started to run. They had that effect on people.</p>
<p>They pushed Gabriel onto his back with their foot and crouched down at their side. A small smile played on their lips as they ran a single finger almost gently along the angel’s cheek. Things were suddenly starting to get interesting.</p>
<p> </p>
<p> </p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0003"><h2>3. The One Where Archangel Gabriel Finds himself Trapped</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>Gabriel wakes up and finds himself in a pickle.</p>
          </blockquote><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>I'm finally back with an update. I've been a little busy for the past couple of weeks but now I finally had time to write again. I hope you enjoy this chapter.</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>The first thing Gabriel became aware of was the dull pounding inside his skull. He winced and shifted, trying to remember what had happened.</p>
<p>”Well finally.” Beelzebub’s bored drawl brought the memories flooding back and he jolted up, fully alert and ready to defend himself… Or more precisely his mind did that, but his corporation wasn’t as quick to follow. The world was fuzzy around the edges, his muscles ached, and he almost stumbled off the bed. Wait… Bed?</p>
<p>Beelzebub was sitting in a large office chair that had black leather upholstering, with their feet up on a table and a look of perfect nonchalance on their face. There was a tablet on the table that they had apparently been browsing earlier. They watched him with cool disinterest. Gabriel felt disoriented, and had he seen himself, he would have been quick to do something about the uncharacteristic wrinkles on his suit and his disheveled hair. “You look like a bird someone put into a salad spinner.” They commented.</p>
<p>Gabriel, who had been ready to smite them if they even moved a muscle, was suddenly thrown off course by their calmness. He suddenly felt woefully out of his element, confused and uncertain. “What did you do to me?!” He sputtered.</p>
<p>Beelzebub looked mildly amused. ”Me? All I did was transfer you here. Which, by the way, you ought to be thankful for. I could have left you lying between the garbage cans and let rats run all over you.”</p>
<p>Their amusement and his own confusion angered him. He was Archangel Gabriel. He always knew what was going on. ”Don’t play games with me. You did something to me on that alley!”</p>
<p>They rolled their eyes. ”Calm down, featherhead. Like I said, I did nothing to you. It was the human who shot you with that absolutely <em>delightful</em> weapon. I’ve been reading all about them while you’ve been lying there like a knocked-out gorilla. Humans use those to incapacitate others. They give you a nice shock of electricity. Which is ironic, considering your usual mode of transportation from- the upstairs.” They looked sour for a moment. Simply the thought of the word <em>Heaven</em> turned their stomach, so they avoided it.</p>
<p>Gabriel looked at them blankly, as his addled brain attempted to understand their words. ”…What human?” His brow furrowed. ”Why would a human have attacked me?”</p>
<p>Beelzebub snorted. ”Just some passer-by who saw you on top of me.” They smirked sardonically. ”She thought you were trying to have your way with me.”</p>
<p>Gabriel’s expression stayed blank. ”Have my way--?”</p>
<p>”Rape me, shithead.” They grabbed their crotch in a very vulgar manner and grinned unpleasantly. ”Forcefully penetrate my genitalia with yours.”</p>
<p>Gabriel’s eyes widened slightly. Just the thought was bizarre and alarming, even when he was aware that was one of the unpleasant things humans sometimes did to each other. It was usually a fastlane to Hell for them. ”That’s disgusting.” He shuddered lightly.</p>
<p>Beelzebub shrugged. ”That’s the impression people get when they see a big guy pinning down a small one in a dark alley.”</p>
<p>”And you… You brought me here?” Gabriel looked around hesitantly. ”Wait- Why did you bring me here?” Where exactly <em>here</em> was, he did not know. The room was quite large and gloomy. The wallpaper that had once possibly looked regal, now looked tattered. The paint on the ceiling was flaking and the windows were covered by heavy velvet curtains, dusty enough to cause a severe asthma attack to anyone prone to it.</p>
<p>The demon huffed and put their feet on the floor, standing up. “Where else, then?” That clueless and frankly stupid look in Gabriel’s violet eyes made them want to roll their eyes. “This is where I’m staying while on Earth.”</p>
<p>That didn’t exactly answer the Archangel’s question, but he was becoming aware that the situation was potentially a little dangerous. He knew very well that had the Prince of Hell wanted to, they could have easily destroyed him while he was knocked out cold. Them not doing so didn’t exactly fill him with warm, fuzzy feelings. Quite the opposite. He moved off the bed and began to slowly back towards the door. “Well thank you very much. I think I’ll take my leave now.”</p>
<p>Beelzebub cocked their eyebrow. “I didn’t say you could leave. In fact,” they circled slowly between Gabriel and the door. “I think it would be very unwise of you to try that.”</p>
<p>Gabriel stared at them and scoffed. “You must be joking! You can’t stop me from leaving!”</p>
<p>The look in Beelzebub’s eyes was sly. “Can’t I?” They stepped aside and gestured at the door. “Go ahead then. Don’t let me stop you.” Gabriel moved to the door uncertainly, watching them with alarm. “Although,” They said sharply right when Gabriel raised his hand to open the door. “You might burn your fingers a little.” They ran their hand along the door frame, the scorching hellfire sparking under their fingertips. Gabriel pulled away in terror, letting out a string of curses.</p>
<p>“That’s not a very angelic thing to say.”</p>
<p>“<em>You</em>- How dare you! That’s- You could have destroyed me!” He felt absolutely appalled. He was an Angel of the Lord and this filthy demon had almost tricked him into walking straight into the flames.</p>
<p>Beelzebub looked even less impressed by him than usual. “Calm down, shithead. If I wanted to do that, there wouldn’t even be a pile of ashes left of you at this point. I’m just making sure that you keep your nose out of my business. You refused to do that willingly, so now I have to make you.” They sat on thin air, floating there without touching the floor. “It’s not just the door, by the way. I have angel-proofed this entire room. You’re not going anywhere until I say so.”</p>
<p>Gabriel bristled. “Let me go this instant or I <em>will</em> smite you!”</p>
<p>Beelzebub gave an unpleasant raspy chuckle. “And then what? You’ll be sitting here all alone with nobody to let you out. Unless of course another demon would happen to pass by and get curious, which I doubt is going to happen any time soon.” They watched as the reality of the situation slowly dawned on him. There was a horrible sinking feeling in his stomach now. They were right. No angel would be able to help him through the wall of flames that scorched and tainted the soul.</p>
<p>“God will not let you keep me imprisoned here. She will punish you for this.” He tried to sound certain.</p>
<p>Beelzebub scoffed. “Sure. Just leave a voicemail into your boss’s answering machine and maybe She’ll check in on you in a few million years. If She can be bothered. Maybe She’ll just give your job to someone else.”</p>
<p>Gabriel really didn’t like the seed of doubt the demon was feeding. They were wrong. She didn’t abandon Her angels.</p>
<p>The demon’s expression didn’t exactly soften, but they slid into a standing position again. “Don’t worry, featherhead. I don’t have interest in torturing you at the moment. And when I’m done with my business, I’ll let you flutter off. Shouldn’t take me that long. A couple of thousand years, maybe.”</p>
<p>It was Gabriel’s turn to scoff. “A couple of thousand years?! I’m not staying here for that long! It stinks of evil here!”</p>
<p>“Stop being a baby." They said sharply. "You’ll get used to it. I might even bring you some entertainment, if you behave yourself.” They looked at him up and down. “How was the lap dance, by the way?”</p>
<p>Gabriel pouted. “Stop mocking me.”</p>
<p>“Not that into it, huh? Did she offer you off-menu services?” Beelzebub pulled something lilac from their pocket and wrapped it around their hand. Gabriel realized it was his tie. He hadn’t even realized it was gone.</p>
<p>“She made my clothes stink of human.” His voice was sour, and his eyes followed Beelzebub’s thumb slowly stroking the silk fabric between their fingers. “I didn’t know humans considered wriggling on someone’s lap dancing. Then she tried to put her hands in my pants, and I left.”</p>
<p>There was a tiny spark of amusement in their pale blue eyes as they listened to him and raised his tie to their lips, simply stroking it slowly against them. It made him feel strangely tingly.</p>
<p>“That’s mine,” He pointed out.</p>
<p>They quirked their eyebrow. “Oh?” With a look of an utter bastard in their eyes, they opened their mouth and licked at the fabric.</p>
<p>Gabriel looked disgusted. “Never mind. Keep it.” They looked satisfied and he sighed.</p>
<p>They pocketed the tie again. “Now that you’re awake, I’ll be going off to take care of some things. Don’t do anything stupid, Archangel.” From the table they took the fly hat Gabriel had last seen them wear when they spoke with the failed Antichrist. “But since I know you are dumb enough to try something anyway, I’m leaving you with a guard.” They blew on the hat and its wings began to vibrate. It rubbed its front legs together in that disgusting way all flies seemed to do before flying down on top of a bookshelf.</p>
<p>Gabriel wanted to shudder. It was nasty. “What am I supposed to do while you’re gone?”</p>
<p>They shrugged. “Read a book. Try sleeping. Stare into the distance and enjoy the void. I don’t care.” With those words they disappeared, leaving Gabriel stand in the middle of the room.</p>
<p>The oversized fly buzzed, and Gabriel glared at it. “Don’t you dare.” He slumped back on the bed. What was he going to do now?</p>
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